On this day exactly a month ago, God decided to push me off a mountain. Now, I’m not saying God left me to crumble at the foot of this mountain that had become my incredible life. He did something even more powerful, and continues to do great things that I’ll share with you. For now, let’s talk about beginning at the foot of the mountain.
The Foot
Here’s the thing. You can’t plan every aspect of your life. I get that. I’ve always understood that. My solution to this “problem” has been to make a plan for every single aspect of life dependent on the situation and inevitable mistakes I’d make. I was literally writing a Choose Your Own Adventure book for my life. I was making decisions for challenges that I probably won’t ever even have to face.
To be completely clear, I was planning different lives for myself and making those plans around different webs of decisions I’d maybe one day possibly make. Maybe.
I want to be COMPLETELY CLEAR. I was over planning to the point where my career was not based on what I liked to do or what I was good at, but where I’d be living or WHO I’D BE DATING.
Are you understanding me? I am a little nuts. That’s what I’m trying to say.
That’s where I started. I was sitting on my hands at the foot of the mountain. Maps and maps around me for places I didn’t even want to go.
The Climb
God had been wanting me to get out of this restrictive and suffocating mindset for a long long time, but any whiff of freedom I convinced myself I had, and I’d go wild. I’d make dramatic life changing decisions or at least convince myself that I was flipping my life upside down, because I realized that I actually could. And not in a necessarily good way.
So, with a mindset shifting toward the growth God wanted for me, I started to build. Slowly, but surely. Not to plan or prepare or think through the many devastations that life would throw me into just to pretend to be ready for them. Through trials of self reflection and actual experiences with people around me, I began to understand myself and how I fit into this world. I used this to do the things I was good at, spend time with people I wanted to get to know, and build a life I was proud to call my own. Many times I stumbled back down the mountain a bit, but woke up the next day and continued the climb.
I’ve come to calmly accept my personality, my dreams, and my ambitions. Even the big ones. My mother especially has helped me to understand that things take time, or not. We’re not really in direct control of our lives like everyone tells us we should be. And that’s not a bad thing. Our character and our life is a product of the way we handle things, the way we think through things, and what God wants for us. And God has recently opened my eyes to a life I never fully realized I could have.
The Push
Weeks and weeks ago, I was going through some weird life changes that felt like disappointing rejection and intense relief all at once. This phase felt like a setback. Like a long hike that felt like ascension, just to notice the checkpoint you passed a year ago…
After getting through the whirlwind of emotions that felt like , I continued to build. Thank God that I’d been building for a while and got through a big disappointment with only a few bruises to my ego. Now, I am continuing to learn, trying to improve the way I live my life for myself and for the people around me, while aiming for these great big goals that I know are pieces of my future.
Exactly a month ago, God pushed me off of the mountain I had climbed. He knew I had reached the top. I had hit a sort of plateau of purpose and inspiration. I have goals and dreams and plans still, but I needed a push. I thought it would be nudge toward something more, but it was a shove. Right off the mountain.
The Fall
God gave me a tall drink of water to fall into since my mountain thing didn’t work out. 
He gave someone on May 7th that has changed my life in just a month. One month. I don’t expect that God is done changing my life, but I now have the confidence to believe that everything will fall into place.
This is Austin… …and cookies and milk.
Austin is my favorite person. He is handsome and charming and compassionate, always trying to help people and be better for the people around him. But that’s just Austin. Anyone would love him.
The best part about my story is that I get to love him. Me. And he loves me. ME.
He makes me feel beautiful and strong and just as complicated as I want to feel, never too much but certainly not falling short of enough.
His nose is my favorite nose. His eyes are these deep seas of flowing green and gold that I drown in every time he looks my way. His hair is my favorite thing to run my hands through and bury my face in. His lips form words I never thought I deserved, but I get to hear every single day. His hands work and hold and care more than I’ve ever seen a man’s hands do. His heart does the same as his hands. He is my everything. But I will never forget that He is a gift from God.
I know you have a celebrity crush. Maybe you have a couple. You may have a significant person in your life or someone who seems unobtainable. Maybe you will look up from this post and admire the love of your life sitting across from you. No matter your situation, you know what you want, you know what you need, and you know what you have.
Up until May 7th, it’s always been my expectation that in reality, these three things would never align. I’d have to compromise in some way, and go with the best I could get.
I’m here to tell you to never accept anything but exactly what you want and need. This is possible. Guess who makes it not only a possibility, but a reality? Yup. God does.
God gave me Austin on May 7th. I’m just here to celebrate.