As most of you know, I am in one of those picture perfect relationships – according to social media of course. And, to me, it is so perfect.
Like all wonderful things, there are downsides. I am here to talk about the hard stuff and the foundation of what makes us fight. It’s really quite a wonderful reason actually.
Austin and I are very different, but in some ways, pretty much identical. He is a silly, sensitive man who has been through a lot. I am lucky to have paid attention to his Facebook friend request and proud to have started chatting with him that first sleepless night. One thing is for sure, we love each other more than I thought possible. And that’s the problem.
Austin and I argue sometimes and downright blow up at each other others. It’s been rough, and it’s been silly. It’s been ridiculous, and it’s been serious. The reason we fight, no matter how we fight, is because we love each other so so much.
Yup. We care too much. Let me give you an example. (also enjoy some random silly photos from a recent late night Walmart trip)
Austin has recently applied to nursing school. I used to be a college adviser, so of course I think I’m the expert on everything he’s going through. Wanting him to be the absolute most successful, I went through a micromanaging phase where I analyzed every which way he could organize his class schedule once he got into nursing school, different nursing programs he could apply to and how, and of course exactly when he should do all these tasks I thought up for him to complete. Needless to say, and as much sense as it made to me, he said no.
I was blindsided by the fact that he already had a plan for his school. He had already settled on a program, a class schedule, and everything in between. So we fought. I tried with all my might to have him spread his eggs over every basket in the area, to put work aside to focus solely on school, and even move in with me to make things easier.
WHAT.
I pressured my loving boyfriend into moving in with me so that I could basically micromanage his life from the comfort of my own home. Now, don’t get me wrong, this might make perfect sense to some people, but not for us.
Austin and I both value our independence and our ability to handle our responsibilities on our own, if only to have control over our life choices. Austin also has that amazing caring quality I’m looking forward to when we are ready to live together one day.
So, as you can see, this goal of becoming a registered nurse is his, and his alone. He is empowered by tackling this degree on his own, just as I would be. After talking about it over the months leading up to the deadline, we’ve come to an understanding that I can always be there for him, but I should never be the boss of him.
I’m there for his moral support and his shoulder to lean on when things get tough, which they will. That’s what he wants, and regardless of what I think about what he’s doing, that’s what he needs. As big of an issue as it was, it came from us loving each other so very much.
We care to the point of stressing over things that are fine. We love to the point of smothering each other when we need space. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The nursing school example is SO specific to our relationship and how we do things, and that’s what brings me to my main point. No matter how things are in a relationship, every single person is unique in the way they feel loved and cared for.
Learning how to love and care for someone the way they want and need is THE ONLY WAY to truly love them.
I recently read a great article by this guy who explained that no matter how seemingly trivial or serious, when your partner communicates to you that something is important to them, you must treat it as important as well. That’s the respectful way to operate in a functional relationship.
Matthew Fray
It is extremely important to me that Austin talks to me often about school and work, basically keeping me calm about the whole “adulting without me” concept. It’s also important to Austin that he is able to do things on his own. We show each other we care by respecting how we each want to handle things.
I’m lucky to have someone who has already worked so hard to made our relationship the best it can be. I thrive when I feel like I’m making progress, so we often talk about things we want in the future, watch those Ted talks about different ways to understand each other, and we even went to look at a house for sale in town (just for fun)!
I challenge you, in whatever relationships are important to you, to seek to love in the way the other person truly wants and needs. If you don’t know where to start, it’s ok. Sometimes it’s just with a conversation. Thanks for dealing with my weird mushy post!!
I’ll link some resources I have found useful below. (warning: they’re not all perfect):
4 Questions to ask to Minimize Conflict